You can never be that person who is loved by everyone. You can never be that perfect person.
You are always likeable by some, and hated by others. Some will be willing to die for you (both figuratively and literally), while some will despise both you and your efforts even when all you meant to do was for the greater good for other people’s lives.
I say this because when this year begun my resolution was to make peace with the fact that even good things get to fall apart, at times. And you just don’t know why.
So more often that not, when this unprecedented wave we call life (or fate) hits your plans, and dreams and hopes — and it all comes crushing down, disarming and hurting you in the process — you sulk, you curse while you rage with a mixture of anger and regret.
At times, you even fall into depression.
And it eats you raw until your face loses its light.
Last year wasn’t that horrible for me. Neither was the year before that. In fact, I don’t think I ever box my life’s goals in a span of one year, and cross what I’ve achieved when a year ends. I just make resolutions that can take up to three years to marinate and blossom into success.
‘Cause you don’t just say you want something and that to be just it. You work your way through it by pushing its nuts and bolts until you’ve achieved it.
It’s a process. Everything is.
Not to mention that we all know shit happens, right?
I mean, life just throws crap at you with every choice both you and those around you make. And what’s worse is that you have to clean up the mess when the harm is done — which, at times, it can scar you for life.
So, as I was saying, I had made a decision to come in terms with the fact that even good things fall apart. That not everyone will get to see me as the person I strongly believe I am (and that only a few will willingly dive into the crucible of my vulnerability, and embrace the openness that comes with looking up in the sky and we get to see the definition of wonder in the twinkling stars).
So that meant not falling for fancy whims of this world, but just resigning calmly through the day with no worries of what I think I need to do for me to be likeable, or loved by others.
In all honesty, I’m still trying to figure it out. It’s a process, so I’m trying to be patient.
I’m trying to be understanding even though life is infinitely vast, whereas, us, humans, we’re just susceptible to change in emotions, perception, and beliefs with every new experience.
What I’m trying to say is I’m really trying to stay intact. I’m really trying… ‘Cause sometimes I get lonely, and I feel like I’ve been drained with everything going on with my life. And there’s this thought ringing at the back of my head; that it all doesn’t matter in the end. “After all, we die, right?”
When I get to this point, I usually embrace dark thoughts in my mind while I embrace this thought about lifelessness in almost everything.
Then I start to lust for love, and companionship just to feel alive. I lust for warmth. I yearn for recognition, for attention, and purpose. And when I put myself out there, and I fail to get it, I retreat to my bubble, sulking, resenting life, and everyone, even myself.
You know how you feel sad and you just want to feel more sad? That’s how it feels like, at times. It’s like more sadness would be the remedy to the little sadness I am already feeling.
So, when I’m feeling it so intense I usually create a playlist full of sad melodies.
I put my earphone on, blast the volume to the fullest, then I close my eyes as I let the melodies fill my head, stroke my insides gently like soft sea breeze blowing through my skin, and soar me into its dark emotional rollercoaster.
But let’s face it, it’s not easy. Being human is just hard and excruciating and so consuming that you can even begin to hate yourself.
It’s not like I haven’t been here before — writing about it. I’ve been here before, on this draft, pouring my heart out.
I usually ask why we have to accept that good things have to fall apart. Why don’t people just embrace what is right, what is just, and just embrace good deeds for chrissake.
Peter (my friend) warned me that the world doesn’t revolve around me, or my pain, or my thoughts, for that matter. But why does it have to be that way?
All he said was, “it’s life, mate. Suck it up.”
He was right. It’s life. It sucks, but it is what it is. All you can do is make your choice and take responsibility for its consequences.
I guess this is just a reminder to myself; that it’s never easy; that life is all about choosing the pain you’re willing to persevere.
‘Cause as much as life is messy and so hard that you just wish you had the power to reset life and humanity, it still doesn’t mean that we should just give up on seeking to build a beautiful life out of our own hands.
It doesn’t mean we should throw it all away just because we don’t feel the light radiating within us… or because we feel that sometimes good things get to fall apart.
No, we still have a choice to make despite the pressure life can put on us.
I guess this is just a reminder to myself; that we feel things, and that sometimes we cannot begin to explain what we feel in detail, but we can indeed try to express it in whichever way we feel is thus liberating.
‘Cause as much as we’re uniquely different, we all still experience life through our beating hearts. We feel things, we desire things, we rejoice in things.
Life, like the beating heart, it just is. So I guess whatever happens we should just keep moving. Get through it. And choose to live.
‘Cause even in the worst days, life is still a pretty spectacular thing. It’s still something that can give you a purpose. It’s still something that reveals the real people who love you and care for you. It’s still something that proves to you that even when good things fall apart, there are more good things yet to come. That life is still unfolding.